Planters Ups the Ante, Unveils New Convicted Pedophile Mr. Peanut for a "More Inclusive World"
Long Overdue Progress in the Peanut World
Somewhere in California — Just days after the Mars corporation was embroiled in controversy over changes to their candy mascot, Planters has fired their own salvo across the bow of intolerance. Now for the first time ever, a major American snack corporation will have a mascot that has been convicted of raping toddlers on a island somewhere in US Virgin Isles. “This is an incredible day for diversity, inclusivity and equity.” remarked Hormel (parent company of Planters US) CEO Jim Snee.
News of the milestone quickly spread through the internet, with many users, celebrities and politicians weighing in:
“Wow! I think I just found my new favorite peanut company! #mrpeanutisback #MAP #lovehasnoage” tweeted Tom Hanks from his new home in Greece.
“Finally, a peanut that represents the common man. We could all learn a lot from this.” said Jeff Zucker CEO of CNN.
Even world renowned philanthropist and public health mastermind Bill Gates chimed in, “While I am excited for the new Mr. Peanut, he also reminds me of old friends and better times.”
But not everyone was excited for the new progressive reimagining of the classic peanut mascot. The lion’s share of right wing pundits and shock grifters were quick to jump in and try to derail an otherwise brilliant day of progress. In typical fashion, their hate and bigotry was on full display, but a rapid response team of leftwing twitter users quickly rebuked them.
“Typical right wingers. Always against progress and tolerance.”
“Why choose hate when you could choose love?”
“Reactionaries gonna react!”
“I’d just like to point out that AS USUAL almost all the hate is coming from the right”
“Finally some representation for MAPs like me, and of course the extremists are against it. They cry about cancel culture but when a company changes their mascot into a convicted child rapist suddenly they want to not give that company their money and buy different peanuts instead. typical hypocrites ”
At time of publishing Planters stock had fallen 73%.