Lying perfectly still can potentially trigger cardiac arrest in susceptible children, study finds
Experts believe eating crickets may help this common condition that has definitely always existed
Somewhere in Canada - A new study has shown that lying perfectly still can potentially trigger cardiac arrest in children who are susceptible to cardiac arrest in such circumstances. While this may sound absolutely terrifying, the good news is that experts now believe that consuming at least 10 oz of cricket paste per day may protect from this all too common condition that has plagued humanity since the dawn of time and definitely didn’t just start happening after you were coerced by every single institution of society into taking a totally safe and effective biomedical product that just happens to be linked to cardiac arrest.
Public and Private leaders across the globe are calling for 2 weeks of mandatory cricket consumption to slow the spread of this deadly condition. Although the exact mechanism of benefit has not been discovered, experts believe that if 60% of humanity agrees to eat cricket paste that we will achieve herd immunity to sudden child cardiac arrest while lying perfectly still syndrome (SCCAWLPSS). However, they note that resistance to these life saving measures is still a challenge they must overcome by any means necessary:
“The idea that humans should be able to decide for themselves what to eat is not backed up by any science I’ve ever read. When children are dying we don’t have time to argue whether mandatory cricket consumption will have any benefit. We have to move at the speed of science. We can only hope that world governments do the right thing and force everyone to eat cricket paste before it’s too late”