Washington, DC – While many experts and world leaders have declared a stark shift in policy and focus regarding the covid-19 pandemic, one health expert remains ever vigilant in the war against shrinking pharmaceutical bottom lines: Dr. Anthony Fauci.
“People seem to think that just because the virus has mutated into a less deadly form and that we have vaccines, therapuetics, anti-virals, and the entirety of the pharmaceutical and medical industries laser focused on covid-19 that we're almost out of this. This couldn't be further from the truth.” Fauci told reporters, seated in front of a 12' x 12' portrait of himself. “There has never been a pandemic in the history of the world that wasn't solved by force injecting the entire planet with mRNA nanolipids every 2-3 months, forever. In many regards we're actually worse off than we were in the beginning when I was telling people masks don't work.”
Though many people have grown weary and despondent over seemingly arbitrary and endless covid restrictions, experts such as Dr. Fauci believe these measures must simply become part of our “new normal” in order to move forward.
“Things have changed”
“We've heard from many people, 'But Tony, can't we just live with covid like we do the flu?'” Dr. Fauci said with a certain indignation before chuckling to himself and continuing: “And I have to remind people, the flu has an infection fatality rate of 0.009% Ok, but covid has a death rate of 0.010% there's a HUGE difference in lethality there. But another thing these so called “concerned citizens” aren't taking into consideration: I don't own the patent on flu vaccines, ok, so uh.. er.. I mean, look people need to stop thinking about this so hard. Just do everything I say and things will go back to normal. I mean, to be clear, things won't actually go back to how they were before the pandemic, obviously. I mean things have changed. Specifically, we changed things, and we like the way things have changed, and we're not really interested in going back. So, for the greater good people need to take one for the team, stop being selfish assholes and just do everything we say, without question, forever. And would it kill these people to show a little gratitude? Maybe a thank you every now and then? Sheesh.”
“The comparison is just absurd”
Despite Dr. Fauci's humble, altruistic motivations and noble goals, many people have made disconcerting and frankly, dangerous claims and comparisons about the good doctor. Dr. Fauci was asked his thoughts on certain malcontents comparing him to the Nazi doctor, “angel of death” Josef Mengele.
When Fauci heard the charges against him he started to shake his head in disgust before slamming both fists down on the table, “Mengele??? To compare me, “The Science” to Mengele is just insulting. Mengele was an AMATEUR!” Fauci yelled, in a rare break from his normal, stoic, grandfather/deity like composure. “Mengele was barely in the game for a decade before people wised up to him, and sweetheart, I've been doing this for a long, long time. Besides he barely did any of the heavy lifting, nor was he the face of the program. It wasn't the “Mengele Youth” was it? Did you see any Mengele merchandise? Huh? Any Mengele plushies or masks? Were the people of Germany getting Mengele tattoos and hanging pictures of him on their wall? Did the people of Germany see Mengele as an unquestionable deification of the scientific method? Frankly, the comparison is just absurd.” Fauci said before abruptly ending the interview and storming out of the studio in disgust.